Hello.
We went in Post Falls for the second time in a week, to go to a doctor's appointment, that we hadn't been able to go to the first time, because the doctor was an hour and a half late. We went today, and sat in there for half an hour before someone bothered to tell us that we didn't actually have an appointment, and that the person just wrote it down on the card wrong. "Woops, sorry for wasting your life." Crap.

Something there.
Find me again.
Or I will search for your face myself.

I've just seen a face, I can't forget the time or place where we just met,
He's just the boy for me and I want all the world to see we've met,
Had it been another day, I might have looked the other way,
And I'd have never been with him, but as it is, I'll dream of him tonight,

Falling, yes I am falling, and he keeps calling me back again.

Ya'll look like you never seen a white person before.
Eminem makes me laugh, yes he does.

Today was good, indeed.
I woke up early enough so I wasn't late for school.
I learned a Spanish song is choir.
A completely wonderful and simple lullaby to Jesus that goes,
A la nanita nana nanita ea nanita ea,
Mi Jesus tie ne sue no bendito se a bendito.
Translated,
To the little baby, to the little baby, My Jesus is sleeping, Blessed will he be.
All in all, it's wonderful.
Completely.

Flightless Bird

Oh, have I found you? Have I found you my flightless bird?

Consideration.

List 20 things you want to say to people, but never could. Do not say who they are.

1)You make me physically ill. Like, sick to my stomach.

2)I miss you so much that I don't know what to do with myself.

3)I would take you back, no questions asked, and we would be together forever, and we would be happy.

4)If you had died a long time ago, maybe I wouldn't have been so screwed up.

5)I am constantly waiting for the call that will inform me that you had died in a car accident.

6)You have saved my life so many times. I miss you like hell.

7)I know I seriously screwed up our relationship, and even though I wish it had never happened, I can't bring myself to regret it.

8)I've lied to you before.

9)I often wonder why you don't just throw it all down and give up. Then I remember who you are.

10)I love you so much more than you believe I do. And it kills me.

11)I look up to you. You are one of my biggest heros.

12)I wish I could have saved you, but I'm just one person.

13)I'm not sure how I feel about you right now.

14)You broke my heart, but I still love you, and I'm here for you anytime you need me.

15)Hang on.

16)You are my sunshine, my sunshine.

17)Banana fish.

18)We fight a lot, and you have scared me, but you are a part of me and I love you.

19)You were always the little gray cloud in my blue sky.

20)Forever? Bull.

Today, I went on an adventure.
Today, I went to the park.
Today, I went inside a huge outhouse and had a conversation.
Today, everything began to make sense, and for one little moment, I didn't really care that my hair was all over the place and that my face is fat.
But then I got cold and my arms went numb, and my dress was blowing up in the back, and I realized I'm just a foolish little child and I don't know what I'm doing here.
And now I'm sick, and I think I might be getting pnemonia, and my eyes feel like they're burning their own little holes in my head.
I don't like this, I don't like this one little bit.
I am currently sitting in my airy little kitchen, watching big black clouds meander across the huge expanse of pale blue sky.
The sun is lighting up the tops, turning them a pale navy in places, and gold in others.
The top of the mountain is coated in snow like a sprinkling of powdered sugar.
Sometimes, I love being home, in my big old flannel nightgown with a cat on the front, and my hair curled up on top of my head.

I feel like someone is shoving a needle through my brain, directly about my left eyebrow.
Why is this, I wonder? I don't think it has anything to do with my cold/flu/pnemonia deal currently going on.
I truly don't believe I am making any sense.
Watching my yard is completely fascinating.
It is currently a pale yellow, bleached from the snow.
The light brown leaves from the oak tree just outside the bay windows are laying scattered randomly around the lawn.
Every now and them, a breeze with meander through the archway next to my garage, and will sweep these still damp leaves up into the air, twisting them around, bringing them together and then ripping them apart.
This lazy early spring weather is making me tired.

Ridiculous. Ridiculous, true, but I love my life. I love waking up to a wet sidewalk, I love swimming with my cousins, I love having a baby fall asleep on my chest. I love dressing like I'm fit and in shape. I love watching movies and eating burritoes and not worrying. I love getting unexpected phone calls from old friends. I love new plans. I occasionally like being turned down. Perhaps I'm losing my mind.

This day, this particular day in history, will be remembered for all the right reasons. For the sunlight, melting the snow away. I like to sit and watch it receding, creeping away, revealing the vomit yellow grass beneath it. For the sub in choir, and his funny way of pronouncing names, and his squeeky voice, and his strange stories. For getting into all the classes I wanted. For the good grade on my science test. For the sunny, spicy smell radiating off Matt during lunch time. For standing in a circle and trading jokes. For the freckles exposing themselves across my cheeks. For the beautiful, warm, but very dead squirrel my mom let me pick up off the side of the road, name Sampson, and bury in the backyard. Perhaps the rest of the day will be this wonderful. I believe, if that happens, that the fact that my heart stopped beating during English today might just be okay. I really hope it doesn't happen again.

Something I think is worth addressing.
I (rarely) get hit on, either on myspace or at school.
Not that this really bothers me, I'm flattered or whatever.
But I want to explain why I don't really respond.
Two reasons.

I don't do long distance/myspace relationships.
I had a really bad experience, involving a boy moving up to Idaho to be with me.
The only boy I ever considered dating on myspace is a kid named Denis, and he's a beast.

The second, more important reason is that I am currently in love with someone.
His name is not important, just let is be said that he is incredible.
And I don't see myself getting over him any time in the near future.
He is absolutely beautiful.
However, if I know someone well, I would consider dating them.

And yes.
I date.
I just don't say "Oh my goodness, yes!" and hold hands.
Gotta put more effort into it than that.
Hope this didn't make me sound horrible,
Just wanted to get it out there.

Hello world, it's Spencer. I can see more than thirty square feet of yard, total, and I am unexplainably happy for this. Winter was too long. It's time to see some sunshine, some flowers. I just finished off a Venti peach iced tea, and I have a cold headache. I have to take off soon. I wish I had more time to post on here. I used to update all the time.

Either it's thundering, or someone is breaking into my garage.
I hope it's the first.
A good old thunder and lightning storm with warm rain would be ideal right now.
Especially if it continued on into the morning.
I rather want a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich.
Maybe I'll make a video.

Updates Anyone?

New band. Seatlle. Goodbye, Goodnight, Goodmorning Seattle.

Jungle Book is over. Wizard of Oz starts in less than two weeks. I'm shooting for Dorothy.

Getting my readers soon! Red. Thank you Urban Outfitters!

Single, ready to minglee. Not really. I miss you Jon. :(

I have a wrinkle.
I seriously have a wrinkle.
I guess that it's just strangely bizzarre to me.
Maybe I'm just noticing it more because my bangs are pinned back today.
Not only do I look really ridiculous without my bangs across my forehead,
You can totally see the huge creases just going mad above my eyebrows.

http://s717.photobucket.com/albums/ww177/All_You_Need_Is_Love_Its_All_You_Need/?action=view¤t=IMG000432-1.jpg&t=1236896482929


I know it's stupid.

Wondeful day.
Absolutely, posotively, utterly wonderful.
Which comes as a pleasant suprise, as my life has been going badly lately.
Something I think is interesting,
I always look up my words on google to see if any "do you mean" things come up.
It's a super nerdy way of checking your spelling.
Jonathan was wearing a Beatles, Abbey Road shirt today.
And it looks nice on him.
But pretty much everything does.
It was super great to have a decent, no screaming involved conversation with him.
Lately, I am remembering why I fell in love with him in the first place.
And that's a good thing, right?
This afternoon was so lovely, even online school and homework didn't seem so bad.
And then I went over to Kateri's.
I haven't seen that woman in so long, it's almost painful.
So we hung out in her bedroom.
Simple, nice morning and afternoon.
It's about seven now, and still light outside, a little bit.
Mostly gray and blue, though.
I'm going to get up early enough to get to school at a decent time tomorrow.
No sugar at all for two days guys!
It's not fun at all!
I'm thinking about just buying a pack of fruit snacks from the vending machine tomorrow,
But I bet I wouldn't feel good about it after.
I have a headache.
This shirt smells like cigarettes.
I really wish I had a cigarette right now.

I don't think I've known horrible before.
Last night, I received a phone call informing me that my grandpa probably wasn't going to survive the night.
Unfortunately, I was at closing night of the Jungle Book, and so the answering machine picked it up.
My mom checked the messages this morning while I was at school.
She told me when she came to pick me up.
I hope it was just another false alarm, but it's never been that serious before.
I don't think my grandpa is still inhabiting this earth.
And it's heartbreaking.

Well. I'm not doing so well. I would love to explain why, but I just really don't know how, and it truly would sound cliche coming out of someone's mouth, especially if that someone is me. But it really is as simple as I fell in love this year. And he broke my heart. Now, I don't want anyone's sympathy. This is just an explanation of why I haven't been myself lately. So, I guess this is it for now. Bye guys.

Dear Jonathan, whly do you have to be so wonderful?
:)

Kateri Warnick, if you are reading this, I miss you. You are my best friend and I don't want that to change. I want to know what is going on in your life, and I want you to know what is going on in mine. I want to spit of bridges and paint in ketchup, and languish in the simple knowledge that we understand one another. I love you so much. I am absolutely enamored with you, so don't you go forgetting it.

Goodness gracious, today was good. And bad, but mostly good. I accidently missed my biology class. Our schedual was all mixed up, and I thought the "nutrition break" was actually first lunch. Opps. But I got to spend it with fantastic young lad who I am nearly certain that I will never get enough of. But, I digress. It was sunny today, and nearly warm, but mostly sunny. The sky was bright blue with little navy clouds hovering over the mountains, and it was yellow, and the grass was green, and the track was blue, and the cigarette smoke was thick, and everything was just absolutely lovely. I hope that this feeling I have inside of me will never go away. Please let me continue to be content in myself.

Have a nice rest of the day, all you young people. I believe in you.

Green Olives

They are so absolutely delicious, I can not even describe them to you.

Especially when eaten with French Onion soup.

I'm rather dissapointed with myself this morning.

I let someone walk all over me last night,

Then forgave him instantly.

It shouldn't matter how much I absolutely adore him.

He shouldn't be able to make me feel bad.

Right?

What can I say, except that I don't know where I'm going.
What is the point to this highly pointless life?
At this time, mass suicide seems a good option.
No sadness or pain, only the general ending of all things.
Perhaps in the afterlife, pain is only an inconsequential part of the existance that is not quite life,
As it is not quite death,
As it is an uncomfortable median between the two.
Perhaps joy is kin to the ripping and tearing that is an animal attacking my heart.
Ripping it to absolute bloody, messy shreds.
This animal is something sometimes known as loss, sometimes known as brokeness, but it does not appear publicly under these names.
No, the alias for this terrible beast is this.
Love.
Ah, love.
The pounding heart, the nauseau, the rising of the bile, your lunch floating high atop it like a pirate at his post.
The whisper and synchronization of lips moving together.
The days and days of endless work under the boiling sun, working together for one greater cause, for one greater good, building and building upon a building that will never be finished, until one day...
Work slows. The two that became one begin to seperate at the seams, and the building ages.
And then it tumbles.
Swiftly, violently, crashing to the ground, bleeding it's mortar onto the ground.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the emptiness in your chest after the fatal words fall from his pale lips,
Like daggers, attacking and stabbing in every direction, each one hitting it's mark.
Bullseye.
The undying pain.
And so we are here, in this middle land.
Praying for death, so we do not have to endure one more minute in this mire.

I really wish I could stab the soup kitchen in the face. This is incredibly stupid, but still true. I don't really feel like writing about it. Just know that I will prove you wrong, you little inbreds. I WILL prove you wrong.

Owl City? Why yes! Today was both a bad and good day. Church wasn't technically very nice, but it never is. I just sat on the floor and stuck one thousand three hundred and two holes in a piece of green paper. My mom and I went to lunch on our own, because my dad went out with Daniel. My mom and I decided to go to this cute little Chinese place that we used to go to every Sunday when I was little. I had Spicey Chicken, and it was really delicious. They had this green Oo-Long tea or what not that they served in little cups, and I drank it with too much sugar like I always did. The moving pictures in that little resteraunt have always fascinated me, I could look at them for hours. I wish I would have taken my camera with me, but I didn't.

After lunch, my mother purchased me two different sizes of gauges, tens and eights. I have one of the tens in now, just waiting to get up the courage to shove in the other. It hurts quite badly, actually, more than you would assume, to put a plug into a slightly too small hole. Perhaps I'm just a baby, but it does hurt!

My mom and I went to the mall then. I got a new pair of pants that are truly the most wonderful piece of fabric that I have ever laid my eyes on. They are fantastic, and I doubt I will ever be taking them off again. I might even sleep in them, you never know. In case you were wondering, those pair of legs above are mine. It's strange to me that I look short even with four inch heels on. Odd. I got those heels today, too. You can't really see them in the photograph, but they're fantastic, you bet.

I'm currently munching on a small mound of Toblerone Honey and Almond Nougat milk chocolate. Perhaps Valentine's day wouldn't be so bad if it always yielded this kind of rewards.

Sitting in Kateri's van is probably one of the most relaxing things I've ever done. It smells like wet clothing, plastic, and skittles. Once, we found an X-Large Tye Dye Pink Floyd T-shirt in a snow bank at Taco Bell, and we picked it up and put it in her car. Never mind that someone used it to pick up dog poo. Her mom washed it, and I don't know what happened to it, but I really thought that was interesting. I probably love that girl more than I love anything else in the world.

We went into town today, which means crossing state line. I absolutely adore crossing state lines, especially this one, because I know exactly where it is. If you want to, you can stand with one foot in Idaho, and one foot in Washington. That's a really strange feeling, because even thought you are still in one piece, you are in two places at once. The easiest way to do this would be to stand in the middle of the road, otherwise you have to go a little bit into the woods. But I'm going to do it one day.

For some reason, I was thinking about growing up today. I was talking to Kateri about it. Getting older is truly wonderful, but it's a little odd when you can tangibly feel yourself aging. A few weeks ago, I found a wrinkle on my forehead, and it wasn't from sleeping. My bangs cover it up most of the time, but it's still there. I still feel young inside. Like, really young. Six or seven years old. I guess I've just got to accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the fact that my litte wrinkle is going to get bigger.